The Beauty Bias// How Embracing Your Femininity Could Actually Make You Happier

I've received a few requests to write about the topic of femininity.  I often hesitated because, growing up, I wasn't taught to nurture my feminine energy.  In fact, I can't recall a single conversation with my mother on the topic, with the exception of the typical talk covering hygiene.

She was the oldest girl in a family of seven. Much of her girlhood was spent helping to raise her siblings.  To her, it was important to be hardworking and industrious.  Those qualities were passed on to me and I'm grateful for that.  But, on the flip side, I was almost completely ignorant when it came to being comfortable expressing my feminine nature.

As a child, I recall examples of extreme feminity on television. Most of them portrayed ultra-feminine as hyper-sexual or how they used their womanly qualities solely for the purpose of attracting a man.  Because I was focused on getting good grades without the distraction of dating, I made the decision to suppress my feminine qualities.  My teachers always praised me for being smart so I took full ownership of that and decided to make it my main attribute.

In the back of my mind, I was still enamored with the idea of fully embracing my feminine attributes. In 10th grade, I transferred from a predominately white school to one with more diversity.  Once there, I was introduced to a whole new world of black women who were fully aligned with their femininity.
These girls always had their hair and nails done, wore makeup and sported super cute outfits.  I was in awe of the amount of attention they placed on looking their best every day.  I observed them from the shadows and learned what I could about femininity from afar.

One thing was clear, everyone knew who they were even without knowing them personally.  We knew their names even though they probably didn't know ours.  They stood out and were like the celebrities of our school. Most of them dated older guys or boys that didn't attend our school so they weren't getting ready every day with the intention of finding a boyfriend. They did it for themselves because they placed a lot of pride in their appearance.

At first, I wondered why someone would put so much effort into their outward presentation. Because let's be honest, it takes a lot of work.  These girls had color-coordinated outfits and hair that was laid to the gods.  On the weekends, while I was fixated in front of the tv, they were probably spending hours at their hair stylist or nail shop.  I woke up in just enough time to get dressed before the bus arrived. They probably planned each look and allowed enough time in the mornings, to apply their signature makeup look.

After observing the life of the woman who invests in herself, I soon came to the realization that they enjoyed a unique life experience as a result of their effort.  I'm not necessarily saying that their lives were perfect. In fact, some of them got caught up with the wrong guy(s) and had their lives change for the worse.  But, I still saw enormous potential from those who applied their feminine energy in a calculated, thoughtful, and purposeful way.

Feminine energy attracts.

Women are attracted to other women who care for themselves. Men are attracted to these types of women as well.  I've experienced it first hand when I conducted my "being pretty" experiment.  There, I was granted access to the world of the woman who is fully aligned with her feminity....and it was fantastic!  If you think that putting in extra effort in your appearance is not worthwhile, you're sadly mistaken.

When most speak on the subject of feminity, it's often linked to attracting and seducing the man you want. But I think it goes deeper than that.  I believe that a woman who embraces her feminine side puts herself at an advantage.  Various social experiments have already "proven" that attractive people are the recipients of preferential treatment in our society.  Overwhelmingly, people respond positively to good-looking people.  As a result, they often earn more than their less attractive counterparts.  Just look at social media. Highly attractive people often have a slew of followers which means that the influencer is privy to higher paying brand partnerships.  Actors and models are some of the highest earners in our society.  It's even said that supermodel Gisel earns more than her husband who is one of the most successful quarterbacks in NFL history.

Society is primed to reward and elevate attractive people.  This way of thinking is embedded into almost all of us.  A guy who wrote a book on the economic advantages of being beautiful said that beauty is scarce so most people value their interactions with attractive people. 

As someone who embraces and nurtures your feminity, you're tapping into the potential benefits that attractiveness brings.  Most of us suppress our feminity because of the attention it brings.  I'm guilty of that.  But, in doing so, are we allowing ourselves to a less than ideal version of our lives?

Beauty bias is real. The best part is that the benefits of being beautiful are accessible to every single one of us. You don't have to be born with flawless features in order to experience it.  By embracing your feminity, you enhance your personal attractiveness.  People are drawn to others who place importance on their appearance.   If you don't believe me, try this out for yourself.   Notice how much more attention you receive. There will be more glances from others. People will be friendlier and go out of their way to conversate with you.

Confidence. Confidence. Confidence.
More importantly!  A study found that personal beauty raises happiness.  Not only do attractive people earn more, they also tend to attract higher earning mates.  Women, in particular, seemed happier because they found joy from looking in the mirror.  Think about how many times you look in the mirror a day.  Now that I'm home all day, I'm in the mirror more often. And, when I'm not taking care of myself, I get a little depressed every time I see the condition I'm in.  But, when my skin is right and I've done my hair, I get a jolt of feel-good vibes every time I see my reflection.

I have total control over whether I feel amazing or embarrassed every time I look in the mirror. I'm also fully aware that if I look my best and feel good all the time, I ignite the law of attraction. Being more attractive has tangible benefits and if we don't try to take advantage of this, we're selling ourselves short.

But if you aren't used to presenting your best self to the world each day, the attention you'll receive may be a bit overwhelming.  When I did my attractiveness experiment, I was shocked by how different life was on the other side.  But, soon, I was fully accustomed and began to expect it.  When people stared at me, I no longer felt self-conscious. I have a friend who's naturally beautiful.  She places a lot of attention on presenting her best self.  When we are out in public, people are constantly staring at her and she barely notices. Why, because this is her reality.  It's so normal that she doesn't even realize it's happening.  Yet, she enjoys luxuries and experiences that most others don't and I'm certain that her appearance has a lot to do with it.

Ideally, it would be great if we presented our best selves to the world daily so we can take advantage of the compounding effect of being consistent.  All of the individual positive experiences that we receive as the result of the "beauty bias" would multiply.

I'm guilty of backsliding big time when it comes to my outward appearance. But, spring is around the corner and I'm ready to try this again.

 A while back I did this experiment where I got ready every day (head to toe) even though I had no plans to leave the house.  My husband would ask "where are you going?" And I'd answer, ''nowhere."  After about a week of this, I noticed something interesting.  Suddenly, he started wearing Polo shirts around the house instead of plain white tees.  This isn't something I asked or suggested he do, it was a result of him being around a woman who was more attractive.  He suddenly felt like he needed to step his game up.  If my experiment impacted a person who I've lived with for over a decade, imagine what it does for people you just met.

When the topic of femininity comes up, there are lots of rules spewed out about one should and should not do.  Some of those rules do have merit, but I realize that one size does not fit all.  That's why I'd like to share multiple examples of the various types of femininity so you can find inspiration that best fits you.  More to come.
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  1. And this is why Belle Mocha is the only blog I read religiously. You come up with forgotten topics which are so interesting and so relevant that I'll start reading and think "Oh my gosh this IS a thing!" Lol. You always take it a step deeper and I live for it

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    1. that is EXACTLY why I read too!

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    2. This is so spot on! I have been following her since RHH and she dishes out pure gold in her posts!

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    3. This is a really nice blog... has a "grown woman" feel to it.

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  2. Like you, my parents never emphasized looks and certainly not femininity. But as a grown woman, I can see that you're right. In fact, I tried to "looking my best" experiment a while back and not only was I more productive (I work at home), but I also felt more confident in myself whether at home or when I went out.

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  3. Yes! I'm looking forward on more on this topic because I too was taught to suppress my feminine side. My mum is very feminine and yet I was always taking care of others so never really got to be treated as a girl.

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  4. Fortunately for me I was a child who could learn from watching my mother and my mother always kept us looking good and our clothes definitely stood out from the other people's usual looks. I was never told not to look good in my entire and I am thankful for that. I do agree with you that too many people are thinking the only reason to look your best is to get a man when in reality you should want to look your best for yourself. I've seen women make jeans look high fashion and others who are all about the dresses. If you're not comfortable in yourself it will show. I'll be more willing to read your blog posts on this subject as I think it's going to be a good series to do here.

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